For parents who work from home, school holidays mean one thing: the kids are with you a whole lot more throughout the day! Naturally, getting them to listen to you so you can get on with your tasks for the day is a top priority. So let’s dive deeper into the topic of how to communicate better with them!
One of the first things we need to remember as adults is that kids have a lot on their minds too. That thing that someone at school said about them, what’s happening in the next episode of their favourite TV show, an upcoming history test, the latest toy or gadget they must have, getting along with their siblings, the list goes on. Sure, these things may seem trivial to us but they are very real to them, making what we say as parents less of a priority sometimes. Also, a common reaction that kids at certain ages have to being overwhelmed is to tune out to what you’re saying, much less understand where you are coming from – especially when you say that something needs to be done right this minute!
But fret not, we are on our way to understanding them better and that is one step closer to better communication with them. Now that we realise where they might be coming from, here are some tips that you might find useful in practice over time.
1. Don’t start talking until you have your child’s attention.
Connect before you start speaking. Communication is really about connection. This applies for adults too by the way! When someone feels connected with you, there’s always a higher chance that they’ll be willing to listen to what you’re saying. With kids, it helps to bring yourself down to their level (as in height level, literally), touch them lightly on the shoulder to get their attention in a personal way, observe what they’re doing and connect by making a comment about it. That’s showing respect and acknowledging what’s important to them. Once you’ve got their attention, gently change the topic of conversation towards what you needed to say.
2. Use fewer words and don’t repeat yourself
Most of us dilute our message and lose our child’s attention by using too many words. Use as few words as possible when you give instructions. If you’ve asked once and not gotten a response, don’t just repeat yourself. You don’t have your child’s attention. Go back to Step One, above.
3. See it from their point of view.
If you were busy with something you liked doing and your partner ordered you to stop doing it and do something else that was not a priority to you, how would you feel? Might you tune out your partner? Your child doesn’t have to share your priorities, he just has to accommodate your needs. And you don’t have to share his priorities, but it will help immensely if you can acknowledge how much he wants to keep doing whatever he’s doing.
In practice, something along the lines of this would be helpful:
“Son, I know how much you want to keep watching that TV show,
but right now I need you to…”
4. Engage cooperation.
No one wants to listen to someone who’s giving orders; in fact, it always stimulates resistance. Think about how you feel when someone orders you around. Instead, keep your tone warm. When possible, give choices.
We produced a great video about engaging cooperation with your kids awhile back too. (It features Grace and her daughter Krysta, who is a natural actress!)
5. Stay calm.
When we get upset, kids feel unsafe and go into fight or flight. In their effort to defend themselves or to fight back, they become LESS effective at listening, and lose sight of our message. If your priority is getting everyone in the car, don’t waste time and energy lecturing them about why they didn’t listen to you and get ready when you first asked. That will just make everyone more upset, including you. Take a deep breath, help her find her shoe and help him on with his backpack. Once you’re in the car, you can ask them to help you brainstorm ways to get out of the house on time.
7. Set up routines.
Most of parents’ communication to kids consists of nagging. No wonder children don’t listen. The more routines you have, the less you have to be a drill sergeant. What kinds of routines? Habits, like what the kids do before they leave the house (brush teeth, use toilet, pack backpack, put on shoes, etc.) If you take photos of your child doing these tasks and put them onto a small poster, your child will learn them over time. Put her in charge of what she needs to do. She’ll have a new skill and your role will be reduced to asking questions to help her remember what should be done next (she should already know!)
8. Listen and watch for understanding.
If you stare at your screen while your child tells you about his day, you’re role modelling how communication is handled in your family. If you really want your child to listen to you, stop what you’re doing and listen. It only takes a few minutes. Start this when he’s a preschooler and he’ll still be willing to talk to you when he’s a teenager. You’ll be so glad you did.
Most of the time when kids don’t “listen” they just haven’t tuned in to us. But if your child repeatedly seems unable to process your instructions, she may have an auditory processing disorder. Adopt the tips above and experiment with giving your child multi-step instructions. If you’re concerned, consult with your paediatrician for referral to an audiologist.
If all of this seems too much even for us to remember, just remember this: kids will follow your example. So treat them like how you would like to be treated and model the kind of behaviour you’d like to see them have. This means you’re not just treating them a certain way, but you’re also giving them the opportunity to see how you treat others in the same way – your spouse, your friends, your workmates, your siblings and parents and your in-laws.
This post is based on an Aha! Parenting article titled “How to Get Your Child to LISTEN!“. Many excerpts were also taken directly from the original article.
