My six year old son sometimes goes on social zoom calls after his online class with his friends. It’s organized by his class teacher and it lasts only about 15 minutes or so. But more often than not, he says, “Mummy, I don’t know what to say.” This has happened quite a few times, and it occurred to me…
My child does not have the skill to have good, meaningful conversations with his friends.
When I was younger, I used to ‘hang out’ with friends on the phone for hours. We would talk about anything and everything under the sun. The conversation would then stop when my dad picked up the call from the other phone upstairs and tell us to stop talking because he wanted to get onto the Internet!
My nine year old daughter is slightly better at conversations, but most of the time, she talks about her online games with them. With more and more children spending excessive time on their screens to ‘fill’ their days during this lockdown, it’s no wonder that families are no longer communicating with each other. As a parent, I find having meaningful conversations can be challenging too.
Meal times can become very focused and ‘boring’, because we’re only focusing on our food and the kind of phrases that are spoken include:
“Eat your vegetables!”
“Finish your food quickly.”
“Stop playing, no toys at the dinner table!”
If it’s not these kind of phrases that are heard over the dining table, it’s one word answers to questions.
“Did you have a good day today?”
“Yes.”
If we, as a family do not know how to communicate our thoughts, heart, and emotions with one another, how then can we do it with friends or extended family members?
A New Family Culture
I have to admit, communicating this way doesn’t come easily to me. My parents didn’t encourage deep and meaningful conversations at the dining table either. The conversations with my teenage friends growing up were also full of day to day fluff, mostly superficial. It took me years to learn how to be open with my siblings, allowing myself to share what is on my heart without feeling insecure. Now that I have my own family, I want to build a new family culture.
I want us to be comfortable talking about things that matter.
About our feelings, whether good or bad.
I want us to extend a listening ear that is not clouded by judgement.
I want each of us to feel that home is a safe place.
So, when the kids grow up, and when they face challenging situations at work or life, they know… home is where they can feel comforted. It is where they are able to pour out their stress, and find supportive family members who would be there for them.
So How Can We Start?
Here are some conversation starter ideas that you can practice as a family. Be mindful of asking open-ended questions that do not end with “Yes / No / I don’t know” answers.
- What was the best part of your day? Why?
- What unexpected thing happened today?
- What was an interesting conversation you had today?
- What are you grateful for today?
- What is an act of kindness that we could each do tomorrow?
- What does being a good friend mean to you?
- What is something you are worried about?
- If our house was on fire, what is the item you would try to rescue?
- How can we make each other happy tomorrow?
- What do you wish we did more as a family?
- What did you accomplish this week that made you feel proud of yourself?
- Who can we encourage this week?
I suggest that parents take time to think through your own answers to these questions. When you start to open up, your children will do too. If you encounter one word answers or your children do not seem interested in conversing, don’t give up. You can encourage them by saying, “Tell me more”, “Do describe!”, “You mentioned this… why did you think of that?”.
With better and more meaningful conversations at home, hopefully our children will learn how be better friends to their friends.
