When I was a young child growing up in the town of Melaka in the 1980s, one of the core memories that was ingrained in my mind was about family mealtimes. We shared all our meals together, from breakfast to lunch and dinner. In fact, my dad would oftentimes come home to have his lunch with us before going back to the office. Perhaps it was a way of saving money, but this practice developed a subconscious value in my heart and mind: families eat together. That’s what we do.
As an adult leading my own family now, this is precisely the culture we are building together. From meal times as an immediate family to including extended family members, we make time for each other. In fact, we schedule dinners twice a week with my in-laws, and every Monday and Thursday, we will be at their home for a family meal with them and my sister-in-law’s family.
Family culture is the blend of traditions, habits, values, and behaviours that define your family. It shapes how you interact with each other and the world. A strong family culture provides a sense of identity, security, and belonging, creating a solid foundation for your children and future generations. Building a strong family culture in your home requires love, respect, and understanding shared values. It’s about creating an environment where every individual feels valued, understood, and connected.
Here’s how you can foster a strong family culture that stands the test of time:
1. Define Your Family Values
Start by identifying the core values that matter most to your family. Values such as kindness, honesty, respect, and perseverance serve as guiding principles. Gather your family and have an open discussion about what values are important to everyone. This can be a fun and enlightening activity. We did this exercise when our children were still in preschool, so they are not too young to contribute! For example, you could use a large sheet of paper and colourful markers to create a “Family Values” poster. Display it prominently in your home as a daily reminder. We have created a family vision statement, and if you are curious, you can read about it here!
2. Establish Traditions and Rituals
Traditions and rituals create a sense of continuity and belonging. Just like the family meals we have created as a ritual, another fun tradition we have started includes sleepovers in our room on Fridays. Our children have been sleeping in their own room since they were 6 months of age, so we dealt with pleas of “Mummy, daddy, sleep with me!” by building a ritual of Friday-night-sleepovers. They look forward to dragging the mattresses into our bedroom and enjoying time together. Another family tradition that we have built is yearly family portrait sessions with the extended family on the first day of Chinese New Year. This is a great way to also document how the children have grown over the year! We value togetherness through shared experiences.
3. Foster Open Communication
Encourage open, honest communication within your family. Create an environment where everyone feels safe expressing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. Regular family meetings can be an excellent way to facilitate this. I know it can be quite challenging to manage when your child says something that goes against your core values. Active listening is key – instead of cutting them off, make sure everyone feels heard and valued. Use this time to explain your motivation and why certain values are important in your family.
4. Teach and Model Positive Behaviour
Children learn by observing. Model the behaviour you wish to see in your family. Show kindness, practice gratitude, and demonstrate resilience in the face of challenges. For example, instead of just telling your kids to be polite, show them by using polite language yourself. If you want to teach the importance of helping others, involve the whole family in community service activities like volunteering at a local shelter or participating in a charity run.
5. Create a Safe and Supportive Environment
A strong family culture thrives in a safe and supportive environment. This means creating a home where everyone feels secure, both physically and emotionally. Establish clear rules and boundaries, but also be flexible and understanding. Encourage a sense of accountability and responsibility, but be ready to offer support and guidance when needed. Celebrate each other’s successes and provide comfort during tough times.
6. Balance Discipline with Love
Discipline is essential for teaching children right from wrong, but it should always be balanced with love and understanding. Use positive reinforcement to encourage good behaviour and constructive feedback to address issues. Avoid harsh punishments that can harm your child’s self-esteem. When a child is whining to get his or her way, it might be easy to just give in instead of taking the harder route of discipline. Or you might find scolding a child with harsh words to be the default way of getting your child ‘in line’. Personally, this has been challenging for me as a parent – I had to deal with my own outbursts, and learn to manage my own anger. Here’s another post that I wrote on this topic of discipline. Instead, focus on teaching the consequences of actions and the importance of making amends.
7. Be Consistent
Building a family culture requires consistency. It’s not something we do once in a blue moon. Find ways to talk, model, or reinforce family culture weekly. It’s ok to start small with easy, measurable, and manageable goals. If it helps you, schedule it on your calendar so you don’t forget! One of our family activities we try to schedule in are date nights. I have date nights with my spouse and also with each of my children. During the pandemic, as we didn’t have anywhere to go, we created a space in our home to look extra special. We dressed up and went to our respective locations in the house for our date! It was fun!
Building a strong family culture takes time, effort, and consistency, but the rewards are immeasurable. Remember, it’s the little moments and everyday interactions that weave the fabric of your family culture, creating a legacy of love, respect, and togetherness. So, start today, and watch your family grow stronger, closer, and happier.
